Super Pooper Powers

Super Pooper Powers

Children are great. They are often fun, occasionally agree they like something twice in a row, and like to live life dangerously. This usually consists in spinning in a circle with their arms straight out in the hopes they will “accidentally” hit one of their siblings in the head before they succumb to dizziness and crash land, but I digress.

The truth of the matter is, your children were born with super powers. Innate abilities that are present in childhood, but lose their efficacy or appeal at some point in the mystical transition to adulthood. Today, I will discuss one of them. Pooper powers.

Now, my tenure as a parent is somewhat limited, but from what I can see, pooper powers extend from birth to at least seven.

Ghost poop. I dont know how they do it, but sometimes, after they do their business they are mysteriously clean. This never works for me. I am not sure if it is an issue of technique, maybe I need to try their famous Precipice Position. You know, the one where it looks like they are going to fall in any moment. Anyway, this one is just downright spooky.

CDR. Clean diaper response. This ability is found in infants, especially newborns, and seems to go the way of bellbottoms by the time they are ready to potty train. You go to change the kid, they are poopy as always, and within moments of securing the new diaper they get that look in their eye. You know the one I mean, its where they cross one eye, clench their fists, and do their best constipated seal impression. This usually results a changing of the diaper, second verse same as the first. I think there is a scientific term for this. They call it an aftershock, or maybe it was a secondary eruption. I forget.

The important poop. This is the ability of your children to have to go poop whenever you are late for something. Dr. appointment? They have to poop. School? Poop. Time to go to grandmas. Time to poop. Time for a new baby to be born? Not before they poop. This ability seems to be closely linked to the “where are my shoes” phenomenon.

POD. We live in a world of instant gratification. We can go online and get answers, not necessarily the right ones, to almost any question. We have movies on demand. We can buy any worthless item we want at the store, and if not, there is always ebay. My children can poop on demand. This power is one that they reserve for one of two situations. Time out, and bedtime. Put a child in time out, and watch the bodily function go. They could have gone poop four times in the last 13 minutes already from prior time outs and somehow, some way, they will still need to go. Likewise, bedtime seems to bring out the worst in them, if you get my drift. Something about the relining position must stimulate their bowels. As parents what are we to do? I have cleaned poop off carpet. Not fun. Ranks up there with shaving kangaroos and eating snails. So we let them go. They know they have us, you can see it in their expressions. Perhaps the most shocking thing is their ability to produce and require the wipe.

Extended poop. This ability is triggered by the presence of another child who desires to poop. I suspect that a mathematical proof could be presented quantifying the relationship between the time it takes to unload and the number of siblings who are waiting to use the john. Seriously, we need another toilet. Maybe a two seater. Surely we can convert an old stroller or something.

At some point these powers lose their power. We no longer have a desire to fill our britches on command. We don't want to get up after going to sleep and do number two 5 more times.  We hurry for the person who is waiting, and we always have to wipe. Maybe one day, these powers will return. Butt until then, the power lies in the hands, the small hands, the busy hands, the don't touch your sister hands, of my children.