King of the Forest

Occasionally, when we are feeling daring, we allow are children to watch controversial shows.  This can only be done every once in a while, for shows of this nature will induce questions, questions that children will pursue with relentless tenacity.  Thus, with much trepidation, we allowed our children to watch...Bambi.
  I steered clear of the actually showing, not wanting to have to deal with the inevitable discussions of love, hunters, and eating flowers.  The children seemed adequately entertained, no questions were forthcoming, and I figured we were in the clear as we started the mid-day meal.  Then the questions started.
   As we partook of our daily bread my seven year old got us started.
7: "Who is Bambi's father?"
Sounds innocent enough, right?
Me: "Well, remember the big deer that Bambi sees in the meadow?  And the one that he runs into during the forest fire?  That was his father".

Figured we were done.  Not quite.

7:  "What was his name?"
Me:  "Whose name?"
7:  "Bambi's father."

Ah, now that is a mighty fine question.  What is his name?  I have spent the last seven years carefully crafting the misconception that Dad knows the answer to any questions, even if the answer is to ask mom.  I sure as heck was not going to be stumped by a question regarding the geneology of Cervidaen Royalty.  Time to put the ol thinker to work and see what we can come up with to preserve my Oz like grandeur.

 Well, what do we know about him?  He is King of the Forest.  He let his son be named Bambi.   Anyone see a problem with those two things?  I mean, what kind of a King lets his son be named Bambi?  This is the prince of the forest, not a future porn star of the Glade.  Bambi?  Why not Spear Antler, Fierce Nostrils, or Buck Grande?  Surely if the name was Bambi's mothers idea old pops would have put his hoof down.  That means the name had his approval, a thought that was truly disturbing.  Then it occurred to me, that there was a possible explanation.

Me:  "Bumbi.  His dads name was Bumbi."

My wife gave me the raised eyebrow look, and I needed to defend my position.

Me:  "Surely the only way he would let his son be named Bambi is if he had an equally awful name?"
  Thats right, it was a revenge naming, the worst kind.  Having lived with the shame of his own name, he was ready to pass on the family tradition to his son and heir to the throne.  She seemed content enough with the answer while I endured the disbelieving looks and protests from the younglings. I was pleased enough with the turn of events, and figured the case was closed.

7:  "Why didn't he talk to him?"
Me: "What?  Who?"
7:  "Bumbi.  Why didnt he talk to the Bambi in the meadow?"

Ah.  Good grief.  Why didn't he talk to him?  Now that he mentions it, Bumbi seems like a real slacker.  Is he there at the birth? No.  Is he there to teach him to walk?  No.  Is he there to keep the future prince from having a skunk for a best friend?  No.   Does he warn him of hunters, talk to him in the meadow, or send a check to mom to help cover the cost of raising Bambi.  No on all accounts.  In fact, the first he decides to do anything is when he becomes Bambi's guardian after his mothers death.  Probably court ordered.  He shows up when the whole forest is on fire, tossing his rack around and letting him know that his inheritance it being destroyed and if he wants to survive to enjoy the ashes he needs to get going.  How do I tell that to my child?  I don't, I can't.  Gotta come up with something else.

Me: "Bumbi couldn't talk to Bambi.  He couldn't come over and spend time with him at all.  That's because he had antleritis."
7:  "Whats that?"
Me:  "Its a disease that keeps your antlers from growing. It only effects young bucks, older deer can carry the disease, and Bumbi didn't want to spend too much time with Bambi so that he would be able to grow antlers and win his future bride and become the next king."

Whew.  Saved by a mysterious disease that only effects the potential headgear of deer.  Mysterious persona preserved, we completed our meal to much hilarity.  Satisfied with the tale of Bumbi and his illness, the questions stopped coming from the children, but ultimately the conversation created more questions than it answered.  The questions haunt me, leaving me to doubt everything I thought I knew about Bambi.

Why is a deer the king of the forest?  Why not the mountain lion, bear, or wolf?   Why not a moose or an elk?  Who died and made the deer king?  I mean really, what kind of a racket are they running?  Its no wonder the kingdom burned down.  Do they have some kind of an alliance with the lesser animals that allows them to rule?  Gives me shivers.....how do the bears sleep at night.....